Granny’s Romance:
Something new for Video Production Tips readers:
My alter ego, Abigail Crabby, southern patriot, left this perfumed love note on the toilet seat for me to find. She wants to share it with readers of Video Production Tips.
Grandma wrote her impassioned plea while dusting off her rabbit ear antenna and replacing them with her brand spanking new digital video converter box.
Dearest Jon,
I feel like our passion was consummated tonight. I must now break free from my silence and contact you, even at the risk of sounding foolish.
I adore you darling.
It’s been going on for years now.
You, of course, do not know me from the dirt on your shoe.
I never approached you because, well… I am out of your age demographic.
More importantly, I simply don’t think we can get past this you’re-in-the-electronic -glass-box-and-I’m-not, kind of relationship issue.
But tonight cemented my love…till death so us part.
I know I am not good enough for you. Worse, I can only worship you from afar.
When I first met you, ripping MSNBC’s Tucker Carlson a new one in an online video clip, my cynical heart was immediately smitten. Who was this gorgeous youngster obliterating my arch enemy, corporate TV news media?
Oh darling, there you were, masterfully destroying the psychopathic fiend Granny has fought tooth and nail for years. At the moment, he appeared to you as annoyingly nerdy, narcissistic, pseudo-intellectual Tucker Carlson.
Please note darling, that I have long known this insidious beast by other names and incarnations. Blast it! I have never been able to quash him, but I longed to.
Darling, I commend your masterful dominance! With Tucker’s ass staring at him from a silver plate, I oozed and awed. Jealous and grateful at the same time, a powerful mixture.
After being swept off my feet by this illustrious introduction, I began watching you on the boobie tube regularly. Night after night, my passion grew.
Your phenomenal wit and continued deft dominance tickled me as none I have ever known. Couple that with your sweet, gracious, giggly, self-deprecating nature and soon, I was addicted to you, my buttercup.
Last night, watching you battle the incarnation known as Jim Cramer, Granny swooned. You nailed the beast to a stake right through its treacherous heart.
Entertainment designed as news, sucking at the teat of the money trough, Mamma Beast corporate boss.
Destroying the very fabric of who we are by perpetuating nonsense as truth.
Granny’s knight in shinning armor has finally arrived! No one but you and I seem to give a shit! Repeatedly watching the video online of you banging the beast has given granny the ultimate drenching in righteous truth and joyous pleasure.
Pity Mr. Cramer, an unfortunate manifestation of the beast to be forced to tangle with you directly. I actually must commend him on his total sheepishness and unapologetic stance. He took his beating rather well.
Darling, you deserve the Balls-as-Big-as-Jupiter Award.
But the battle is not over.
Do it again! Harder, harder!
Don’t ever stop.
The beast must have its mask ripped off so as to expose his true nature to the world. Granny can not do it alone. You are bigger, strong, and braver. You have an audience over 200 while I, sadly, do not.
Thank you for successfully conducting the pinnacle of put downs, the D-Day of Dishings, the epitome of enemas.
The beast is but a whimper and the people now know. Thanks to you, Jon Stewart.
Forever in love,
Grandma Abagail Crabby
Jon was absolutely masterful in his conversation with Jim Cramer. He made the Tv news business look foolish and unprofessional. They are.
lol
louise
First, my compliments to your blog and great info on video-blogging! Loved the “perfect video ad”–the tech firm with the quirky journalist.
John Stewart–very funny guy. But what’s with changing his name? So he wants his audience to think he’s Scottish? What’s wrong with John Lebowitz? And his brother being a Wall Streeter–John had to know what was coming down the pike if he has any kind of relationship with him.
Who to trust? Certainly not politicians of any stripe. And not comedians. John’s funny, but forget about Cramer–if John wasn’t laying on zingers about the fantastical loans being offered to people who didn’t make enough to pay the mortgage, much less real estate taxes and property upkeep–he’s no oracle to bank on.
Even a dim bulb in the financial industry knew the housing bubble was about to burst from the 110%/no-money-down-no-income-verification loans were being touted by Fannie and Freddie and forced on banks. We shook our heads when Barney Frank and Maxine Waters were claiming all’s well with Fannie Mae blah-blah, under the “masterful guidance of Franklin Raines and Barney Frank: blah-blah. We all knew–but not congress? And now these same muck-ups are in charge of an industry they schemed into ruin?
Dems and Repubs failed the People.
It’s good ‘ol common sense, a dose of logic and reason that’ll see you through.
Hi Granny,
I saw your post on Alternet and had to bop on over to your blog. Right on! Better than right on.
Enjoyed your writing and your site. I’ll be back.
I’m a Grammy and member of D.A.R. for real but I’m also an Austinite (texas) and our motto here is “Keep Austin Weird”.
Keep writing Granny Crabby!
-Grammy Linda in Austin
Hi Cecelia,
Sounds like you work in a bank. There is so much blame to go around with this debacle it is not even funny. I actually feel a tad sorry for Jim Cramer. He’s guilty but so are a zillion other people. He got humiliated so bad he’ll probably never recover.
Jon Stewart’s real last name is Lebowitz? So many TV performers change their names, kind of sad really. John Wayne was named Marion. I guess it would be hard to be a tough guy if your name was Marion.
Honestly, I am kidding here with this silly post. I do not mean to imply Jon Stewart is an oracle. But I do think he is doing a better job than most journalists in this country.
Hi Linda.
Thanks for bopping over from the Alt.
I LOVE Austin. It is the one oasis in the entire land of Texas if you ask me. Keep up the good work!
Do they still have that swimming place where everybody went topless?
Yes, that must be Barton Springs, downtown, no less, so you can just imagine what goes on in the wine country out in the Hills around Austin. The NY Times said the Hill Country around Austin was their #1 Vacation Spot for 2008, but I don’t think they mentioned Austin in the gateway of the hills. Lots of variations of
‘bathing’ around here, !!
Keep Austin Weird and keep on reading your blog, too.I’m 6th Gen.Austinite if you can believe that, so been doing my part in keepin’ it weird ’round here sine 1836!
-Grammy Linda in Austin
Barton springs! Yup, that’s it! I remember the water was a bit cold.
Guess that happens when you’re naked!
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